The Dogs Pulled Me Home...

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

The dogs pulled me home...

How it came about, it is simple, I decided that they and I were going to go for a walk. It was cold, it was windy, we went anyways.

First, you would likely ask my why on earth I would do this? The answer is simple, I am stuck inside my mind. Perhaps first we should start at the beginning of this past week. Perhaps even before that...

Last week, I turned 30 years old. Unlike may of my peers and those of my same age, It doesn't really bother me. The only hitch in the entire thing is the worry over where the path will go over the next few years, in particular, babies. As you might imagine... this is a difficult idea. Do we try for another? Our son passed away, completely healthy, and happy. Do you try again? If we do, how long do we wait? It is recommended two years... but... that seems so long. It seems like I will be so far into our lives by then. It really is not so, but the mind works in odd ways, doesn't it?

And so, I went to the doctor this week to talk about where I am with everything. I go every couple of months to just do a mental wellness check, we talked about a lot. The first, that I am not alright. I am on the surface, I do all I can to keep my life together: work, take care of the boys, keep the house clean, keep life moving forward every day. I average about 5 hours of sleep a night, I wake up every morning simply to do it again... to press forward... to march on. It often feels as if I carry the world on my shoulders.

But that's not what you see, is it? When you see me outside of here, on the street, in the store, with my kids, I wear my strength like an armor that you can never see through. It's what I have to do to keep going. My doctor wrote me a prescription of eating healthy and working out, taking more time for me for my own mental wellness. This all good in theory, but sleep is precious, time with my family more so.

The dogs pulled me home today...

Not because I couldn't walk myself, but because for a moment I lost my way. Most don't know, I was quite quiet about it when it happened, but today is not just valentines day to me... it also marks the day that I found out that Frank was not only leaving, that our marriage was done, but it is the day that I found out there was another woman involved. This isn't something you forget, it courses through you like your own blood does. The day started out alright, as most days do, but soon darkness started in.

You see, it wasn't that I was grieving (at least not just that) but that I was also fixated on this loss that went deeper. So much deeper. It was a year ago today that I set my compass on something different, on the fact I was 8 months pregnant and I couldn't let myself slip, I had a family to take care of. And though the fact I was scared to be a single mother of a 5 year old and a newborn, I knew one thing: I am strong enough for this.

It was how I lived the next 7 months, knowing I was prepared. Even as I got put on bed rest, when I dislocated my shoulder and then had to have surgery, even as I watched my husband leave and then what he left me for fall apart. You might have though, being the one left behind, I would have been glad to see it... I wasn't. All I could think was that my poor boys were going through such a wave... such a torment.

And then my son died... the one thing that had gotten me through everything, every night that I went to bed alone, it was him... him who I curled around and talked to, who moved within me and reminded me that he loved me, even before he could look at me. It was him, that I got up in the morning (like clockwork) to get Kaiden up for school, to get myself up and moving. Time and time again, it was because of him. Even the morning I woke up, confused because I had cramps only to realize they were contractions 5 minutes apart... it was him.

The dogs pulled me home...

It was with all of these feelings, that I have pushed down to make it through life alone that drove me to it. I have to stop eating my feelings, the 40 lbs I've gained since Dominic passed away states that clearly enough. And when I went for the sugar, after a day of prepping food for the next week, making myself prepare for the gym and such, I reached for the nearest sweet and stopped short. My doctor told me to try to find solace in the exercise... 30 minutes a day... just 30 minutes and we could be away from the container of frosting that was whispering "eat me... you'll feel better" from the cupboard.

First, I tried to take the dogs on a bike ride... I had spent $40.00 on this attachment to my bike that I could take the dogs running while I rode. It took Zoey, my 75 lb pitbull, all of 3 minutes to break it off the bike, stripping the nut that holds my tire on. Twice as upset before, I leashed up both dogs, threw on my boots, and started walking.

The dogs pulled me home...

It seemed like a good idea until I was about a half of a mile away from the house. You know, about the time the fatigue set in from walking in the snow to go in the first place. There is a path, but the recent snow has made it pretty much like walking on sand. While that seems magical, in retrospect, it was a lot more than I had signed up for. I finally stopped... at 0.58 miles to bend over and cry. The tears freezing down my face before I even really got a chance to enjoy the emotion attached to them. I thought about just giving up... about calling Frank to have him come get me (and the dogs)... what in the hell was I thinking in the first place?! This wasn't going to fix anything, now not only was I upset at cards I had been dealt, but now I was freezing, sore, angry at myself and the world, so much more...

Zoey tugged on the leash... bent over, hands on my knees I looked in her direction. She was pulling backwards, towards home, watching me. Brodie, our black lab and lovable fat-butt, licked my face and his tail went "tick...tock" as he waited for me to move again. I had been standing there for all of a minute, in self-loathing, hating myself for making this path, hating myself for being weak in the moment, hating myself for not being able to forgive Frank for the mistakes he has made, hating myself because I've been eating my grief, hating myself... because I'm human. Because I'm not made of stone and I felt weak in a single... moment.

The dogs pulled me home...

Normally, I make them walk beside me, this time... they led. Not pulling hard, simply keeping me moving, one foot in front of the other as I walked back home. It was harder walking back, the wind had been at my back before, this time it was in my face, my legs and body was tired from the unexpected more-than-a-walk walk I had decided to do. They kept me moving, picking up speed as we got closer to home.

The dogs pulled me home, into the warmth and shelter of my life. Frank greeting me in the garage to laugh at my huffing breath, the dogs happy to be back, to the boys eagerly jumping up and running to me as I walked in the door, back to the laundry to be done and the life to keep moving forward. The boys and I put on a movie, and that was the night. Everything I walked out the door with was gone in the snow... I lost it somewhere along the hill on my way back, I felt it lift, I felt it leave me.

It probably seems like just a sad story, simple and easy to dismiss. But, my dogs saved my from myself today, so did the walk. I may not have came home to do push-ups or sit-ups, I didn't come home to save the world, but I came home... I will keep coming home... I will keep doing what I do.

Because, in the end, no matter how many times people tell me that what I do is amazing, I don't feel amazing inside. My world is carefully placed, my life is filed, stored, and timed to keep me moving forward because I have to. The truth is, sometimes I'm not okay, and I need to remember that it is okay not to be okay. It may change, but right now... I'm okay. Who knows what I will be tomorrow, but if it all creeps upon me again... I'm going to take my dogs for a walk.

The dogs pulled me home... and I'm glad they did.