And so it goes...

"When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home." Tecumseh

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. The reasons go beyond just the few I could list here, nothing to say, too much to say, too much going on, no words to find for the things that are going on. All things are like this though, aren't they? It's difficult to explain why one needs a break, but it is true that I did. Not only that, but there were those who didn't accept my method of treating my symptoms. What I found was, their way doesn't work for me... so here we go.

I survived Christmas without my son. It was an enormous task, one I cannot explain to you without painting a picture of it all. But what I can tell you is that I found a certain amount of grace I hadn't anticipated to go along with it. Christmas had lost its magic for me around the age of 17 years old. There was a lot that happened that year, but the biggest one rocked my little world. It was 12 years later that I found the magic again, in the hearts of my boys and the comfort of my home. We bought Christmas tree, a real one, that came with the evergreen scent that reminded me of my childhood. It reminded me of so much of the good things from the past that it soothed an ache I didn't realize I had.

There was a hard part, when I watched all of my beloved friends with their babies have their first Christmas. Oh, it was so difficult... bitter sweet to see those lovely little faces joyful and full of life. I miss my son every day. But, I survived and lived vicariously through the memories of all of my friends. I need to confess... should any of you be reading this... thank you. Thank you for sharing your lives through Facebook or other social media, to get to see the growth and change in your little ones allows me to imagine how it would be and allows a piece of Dominic to live in my heart.

The new year was passed in sleep... restful, restoring, peaceful. You may ever truly understand the blessing that was, to wake after the ball had dropped and know that I had finally slept. You see it comes hard to me. Resting hasn't been an easy thing since my son had left, sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, far too many nights wanting my son who will never be in my arms again. What I can say, though, was that the feelings are sharper, but they come and go easier. Now, I can cry and it passes, instead of it lingering like an ache. Everything feels cleaner.

I have been cleaning up and my life in so many ways. It has started with my house... changing the furniture, changing the pictures, changing my life in small ways every day. Cleaning up my relationships, that has been the hard one. It's hard to let go... it's much easier to hold on. But there are things we have to let slip away, because that's life, isn't it? Watching it all move by and somehow holding on all at once.

I put a picture up of Dominic at work... I've started talking about him. With the help of a co-worker, who I have been very thankful for, I was able to find a way to describe my situation: "I am a mother of four, two bonus, two biological... one of which will forever be an angel." It's hard to imagine people responding well to that.. but I will personally tell you, people who are older respond better. I've taken solace in that, I've taken my social cues from them, allowing my heart to grow with it. I have a big heart, and I'm ready to let it grow again.

My goal for 2016 is to simply be me. To embrace all things me. I want to take kickboxing again, love again, accept again, be warm again, welcome all of life again. There is something to be said in it. Like everything else.... it is how it goes.