My Burning House

"I've been sleepwalking, been wondering all night, trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right. I've been sleepwalking, too close to the fire. But it's the only place that I can hold you tight, in this burning house." Music to accompany the post. Click here to play.

I haven't posted in a long time... it'd been a huge battle since the last time I did. So much has happened, too much to add into simple post. With that said, this post will not be for the faint at heart. Please proceed with caution. 

Kaiden holding Dominic | April 10, 2015

We are approaching upon the year of Dominic's death, the date will be August 29, 2016. After his birthday, April 9th, I found myself in a hole I could not dig myself out of. You see, my son existed, and I loved him so. After he passed away, I tried so hard to push through -- I never wanted to see the pity I see in the eyes of others, the uncomfortable conversations when someone asks where my lovable little boy is, the fear that someone will mention him... the fear someone won't. I had piled all these things on myself: lost son, had funeral, reconciled with my husband, went from single mother for 9 months back to a married woman with 4 kids, changed jobs, hated leaving the previous position, but felt the change would be good.

And it was all going good... as the best laid plans often to until God took the oars out of my raft... I'm left with no control over the following events: Death. First, my great-grandfather died -- he was an amazing man, I only knew a small snippet of the things he had to teach me. He was Ninety-Nine years old, a man who on his 99th birthday threw the opening pitch at the Dow Diamond's Loons Statistic. He was so proud of that moment. I hear often about how cherished and great he was.

Then, my Grandmother died... my mother's mother. She had been suffering in what surely would have been her own personal hell... to an extent it was a mercy for her to be called with her Lord. She was a deeply religious woman who I always looked up to - I can see that now, going through everything I have, how much courage and determination that woman had. Towards the end, as her time was getting short, I think we understood each other better. I hope, now she is in Heaven, she knows just how much I loved her and the mark she made on me for the rest of my life.

Shortly after, I had to temporarily end my relationship with my mother. I don't want it to be more than it is, we love each other, I'm sure, but people sometimes have gotten past the point where you can continue without damaging the relationship first. I told her I wanted to go to therapy with her... she told me no. We parted ways.

Kaiden and Dominic | August 28, 2015

These are influential events leading up to the Birthday of my Dominic. After that hit... I was done. I could take no more... I asked for help, started going to therapy when thoughts of killing myself started to creep in. And when I first got the call on April 28th, my world came crushing in around me.

My grandfather, the man I attribute to raising me in every way, the most influential person in my life, my hero, my connection to God, my everything... His heart had stopped and he was rushed into the hospital. With my cousin, Jordan, and my grandmother, Ann, we said a prayer... the words that left me were these: "God... you owe me this one. You have taken too much, you cannot take this one too. Not now... please not now. Why would you do this to me now?"

I left the hospital knowing one thing: he was going to go to God soon. I was there when he went, watching him be taken off the tubes and machines that were keeping him alive. I had cried so much before, that in that moment I no longer had the tears to shed for others who expected them. I felt it fitting though, it felt like the changing of the guard. I remembered something he told me before: "Kimmie Kay... your grandparents die to prepare you for your parents, your parents to prepare you for your friends, your friends to prepare you for your own. It is all a way to set you up to learn about the process of dying." While seemingly morbid, it was the truth.

Here's the thing about this man: I have only known unconditional love from one single person from the day I could remember. I'm sure my parents love me, I"m sure plenty of others do too, but he was the absolute only person who loved me no matter what. Come Hell or High Water... he would have been by my side to the end. He certainly did when he sung me "My Little Sunshine" privately to only me on the funeral of my son's death. 

With the passing of my grandfather, the fragile hold I had on my world came apart: I was depressed, anxious, and I wanted to kill myself. I would think of all sorts of things, how I could just walk out into traffic, drive into traffic, how I could take the right combination of pills to kill myself. Then I would be with all these people I love in Heaven, right? It was a dangerous and dark time.. the world seemed endlessly devoured by darkness.

My therapist took me off of work, I haven't worked sense, out on medical leave until we can get me to the point where I no longer want to kill myself. I'm not sure it will ever happen. The only time I find the relief in it is when someone places a baby in my arms. It all washes away then, holding this tiny bundle of hope, of unconditional love that I can pass on to the next. 

I can not say that anything in particular has helped me. I fear not working, because I have never not worked. I fear working, because I love being home with the kids and their presence soothes my soul. I'm gaining weight because I don't sleep, then I don't have the energy for anything else.

I know there is a way out. I've been posting positive things on Facebook. I have joined Younique, which has provided me a positive support group of women who are willing to help me fight the hard fight, a couple have gone through what I have as well. I try to take care of the house, do the domestic things needing done.

But I can't help but feel... in my dreams... in the night... as my world burns around me, that I can touch them. I can see them there, hold them close. This is where I am, my friends... Lost, alone, worried about the future. And tonight, of all nights, I miss them both so badly it hurts. With ever tragic even, I relive the death of my son... all those emotions come crashing in again. All I can do is float down the river that God has refused to give me a paddle on.

Until again...