A Start of the Story

“No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be
a mother.” ― Margaret Sanger

You'd never know, as I was growing, the only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to be a mother. I watched my younger brother, neighbor kids, and friends... I watched the grow, I knew that it was the path I was most sure of. I knew it was something I wanted... I wanted a large family, I wanted to fill a home full of love and warmth, to grow and have a family. I still remember the day I was told I couldn't have children. I had fought years with my battle with my fear of my possible infertility. It was such a time where I looked in the mirror and decided if I couldn't be a mother to my own children, I would be a mother to others. Surely, there are plenty of children in need of love, and I have a heart which needs to fill that need.

Kaiden was born a little over a year later, my tiny miracle that came as a total surprise to his father and I, who was there when I was told I'd never have children. I still remember the sound of his cry... the smell of him as I held him close to me. I remember the struggle of PPD, of the anxiety I felt even leaving the house. Pregnancy was not my friend, I lost 60 lbs pregnant with Kaiden... I was in pain all the time...

Still, almost 5 years later, my husband and I decided to try for another. We decided just before my cousin's wedding. He looked at me, stroked my check, whispered to me he wanted another child with me... that I was a remarkable mother. You see, I had one biological and two bonus boys at the time. They are the stars of my life... the sparkling light in the darkness which guides me through it all. He never wanted another child.... then suddenly he did. I had my birth control removed, we tried for another.

Two months later, I started feeling sick.... I took a test... nothing...

Another month later, I took another test and there was no arguing, I was pregnant.

To say pregnancy is a beautiful is true yet not. There is nothing beautiful about the way I carry children, I am sick constantly, I am completely useless as a human while I carry the child. But, right away... I knew this one was special. As he grew, so did my love for him... I would sing to him after my husband left, deciding he was looking for something else in life.

I remember the morning of my scheduled C-Section. I woke up confused and wondering what the pain in my abdomen was. It took me about three minutes to figure out I was in labor. I called up one of my best friends to come and get me... we went to the hospital. I remember joking with the staff, them telling me I was the most fun woman in labor they had ever seen. Why wouldn't I be happy? My son was on the way!

Dominic was born on April 9th, 2015... he was everything perfect and beautiful in the world. They told me not to be afraid when he was born, he might not cry right away. My beautiful boy started screaming the moment they cut me open. I cried as I heard him, I knew... I just knew this child was of my soul, I could feel it.

I would be lying to say I wasn't scared... the chances of being a single mom with possible a newborn was frightening. But there was one thing I remembered... I was born to be a mother, just as much as he was born to be my son. He finally stopped crying the first time when they laid him in my arms... my beautiful baby boy.

Kaiden loved being a big brother, the pride in his eyes when he held him for the first time is beyond words. He was in awe of this small thing... this whimpering little bundle that had made him into a big brother. All the boys loved him... his father loved him... he was so easy to love.

I struggled deeply, and still do, with my PPD this time around. With Kaiden, I had not wanted to be anywhere near him... with Dominic, I couldn't possibly let him out of my sight or hearing range. It was impossible to drop him off to his dad, I would fret and walk around the mall in circles until it was time to go get him again. Anxiety mixed with Depression is a horrible thing... I spent many the sleepless nights checking on him.

My son died on August 29th, 2015. I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" or "God needed him more than we did." You can keep your cliche pep talks for someone who cannot rationalize on their own. My son died because he was rolling over too soon... my son was too advanced for his body functions... he rolled over in his sleep, after my husband had checked on him, onto his face. My son died....

This blog is my story.... is Dominic's story. As I continue, I will talk about my battles with PPD as well as the grief with the lost of a child.


Until next time...